Anything Small
by Callisto Nicol
Summary: Where's the manual on how to successfully break up with the most terrifying woman in existence? oneshot


**Title: Anything Small**

Summary: Where's the manual on how to successfully break up with the most terrifying woman in existence?

Tenzin was unsure how to proceed. Despite everything Aang had taught him about being an air bender and a man, he had neglected to include a course on breaking up with the most terrifying woman in history.

He was uncertain which was worse: wanting another woman while still in a relationship, or breaking up with Lin Beifong.

The woman was terrifying. He'd seen her snap grown men's bones, take down Triad members with barely a thought, demolish a small village in the name of justice. She made babies cry just by looking at them. And he wanted to stroll up to her and say, "No biggie, I'm leaving you for a girl sixteen years my junior"?

No, he couldn't say "biggie." She'd never take him seriously if he spoke like Bumi. Unexpectedly? Miraculously? Joyously?

He'd never make it to courting Pema. He was going to be dead by sundown.

"You've never been so scared of Lin before," Kya said, staring up at the gazebo ceiling as Tenzin fretted. "Just walk up to her and say it like a man."

"I beg your pardon," Tenzin huffed. "She scared the living daylights out of me when I was three and I thought she was going to eat me for supper."

Kya snorted. "I forgot about that! Linny was so cute back then."

"She is not cute any more. She's petrifying. She's going to try and kill me."

"I thought you said you were both drifting apart. This is probably a mutual thing."

"I'm trying to break up with **Lin Beifong** , " Tenzin said. "Mutual or not, there will be death, and it won't be hers."

"You worry too much. You're the last air bender; she's morally obligated to keep you alive."

Tenzin stared at his sister in horror. "Oh Spirits, Kya-you don't think she'll maim me, leaving me just intact enough to reproduce? I don't need limbs to father a child! I'm facing life as a paraplegic. Spirits help me."

Kya rolled her eyes. "You have clearly spent too much time thinking about this."

"I'm facing imminent death! There is no such thing as too much thinking time!"

They were silent as Tenzin regained his composure. Taking a deep breath, he couldn't help but wonder if this would be his last argument with his older sister. Perhaps he should enjoy it more. It wasn't every day he experienced last fights with Kya.

"Kya," he said formally, "its been a pleasure disagreeing with you. A man couldn't ask for a better older sister."

"By the Avatar, Tenzin, you're not going to die!" Kya said, exasperation seeping into her words. "Grow up!"

"I am grown up."

"Clearly not."

"And please tell Pema I love her."

"Tell her yourself."

"I can't. I'm going to see Lin. Tell Mother I'm sorry, and not to worry about a funeral. Lin will bury me in the ground herself. Although a marker in my memory would not go amiss."

Kya rolled her eyes again. "You can't die, Tenzin."

"Can't?" he asked. "I am unaware of a special ability that prevents me from ending this life."

"You sound like an idiot when you talk like that."

"I am not an idiot!" he cried, face going red.

Kya grinned. "Much better. Yes, can't. If you die, there will be nobody to save Pema from Lin's wrath. I, for one, fully intend to sit back and watch the show while eating a big batch of fire flakes. It'll be spectacular, one for the history books. I'll pay close attention to detail so I can act it out for Bumi later."

Tenzin's face drained of all colour. He hadn't considered the possibility that Lin would go after Pema, but it only made sense. Beifong women never did anything small, and Lin's broken heart and need for revenge would not be satisfied with his measly demise.

"What do I do, Kya?" he cried. "How do I sever my relationship, stay alive, and keep Pema safe?"

"Dunno," Kya shrugged, "but you'd better figure it out real quick."

"What?"

"Tenzin!" another voice called-a voice which chilled him to the bone.

"Kya!" Tenzin whispered, eyes going wide with fear. "What is Lin doing here?"

"Why don't you ask her?" Kya grinned, sitting up. "I am so very curious about what's going to come out of your mouth."

Taking a deep breath, Tenzin slowly turned to face his former beloved. She looked quite lovely with the sun striking her hair. Perhaps he should open with a compliment? Lin, you're looking beautiful today. Lin, my, how your eyes sparkle when you're focused! Lin, darling, is that a new Earth bending coat? It looks...tough.

This was not going to go well.

As Lin approached the gazebo, she said, "Look, Tenzin, we need to talk-"

"I'm breaking up with you for someone half my age you look pretty no biggie."

That...was not what he meant to say.

Kya burst out laughing as Lin narrowed her eyes.

He really was going to die.

 **A/N: For you, o Captain my Captain.**


End file.
